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Kuma vs. Iorek Byrnison (Golden Compass)
Description Introduction Spider: Since humanity’s earliest encounters with nature, they have lived in cautious observance of one vital piece of knowledge— Pixie: The knowledge that bears are really fucking strong and scary. And as if the raw strength to tear you limb from limb wasn’t enough, some bears are actually trained in claw-to-claw combat. Like Kuma, Heihachi’s furry body-guard. Spider: And Iorik Byrnnison, rightful king of the polar bears. I’m Spider. Pixie: And I’m Pixie! Spider: And it’s our job to analyze their power, abilities and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle. Kuma Pixie: So remember that jerk Heihachi we talked about a while ago? Crime lord, dick to his offspring, gets thrown off of cliffs a lot? Well, when Old Man Bald-spot decided he needed a pet, he picked the fiercest animal to ever serve as a rug in front of a fire-place: the bear! He named his pet bear Kuma, the Japanese word for bear, because Heihachi is as bad at being creative as he is good at punching things. Spider: Heihachi, with his love of all things strong and ruthless, grew quite fond of Kuma, and instructed him in Kuma Shinken, a martial arts style he developed, designed specifically for bears. Pixie: Heihachi developed a martial arts style specifically for bears? Spider: …Yes. Yes he did. Pixie: That old fart has way too much time on his hands. Spider: Well, some would consider it time well-spent, since with proper training, Kuma became one of Heihachi’s most loyal sevant. Loyal unto death in fact, as Kuma died of old age following the events of Tekken 2. Pixie: Heihachi then found himself another pet bear, who he named… Kuma II. Yes, really. He also trained Kuma II in Kuma Shinken, meaning Kuma II has the exact same fighting style as the original Kuma. Thankfully, Kuma II wears a bright red neckerchief, thus making him a completely different and unique character. Kuma weighs in at 463 pounds, and with his savage strength and martial skill, he’s a force to be reckoned with. He can juggle foes, land combos and spin-kicks, and can even pull off his own version of Heihachi’s Stone-head and Demon Uppercut attacks. Spider: In addition to more technical moves, Kuma also uses more natural methods of combat, clawing and biting his foes. He is also capable of weaponising his… er… flatulence. Pixie: Wait as sec. Heihachi created a martial art specifically for bears, that involves weaponized farts!? Spider (sighs): …Yes. Pixie: I take back everything I said about him, Heihachi is fucking awesome. Spider: Well, while the Bear Fart is immensely powerful, it is a very difficult attack to land. In its original appearances, Kuma’s fart was actually strong enough to knock out any opponent in a single hit, but as of Street Fighter X Tekken, the fart’s power has been toned down quite a bit. Pixie: Heihachi must have started feeding him a different brand of bear-chow. Spider: Also, while Kuma is very intelligent for a bear, he’s still pretty dim by human standards. Pixie: He’s also got a massive unrequited crush on a panda named… Panda!? What the fuck, Namco? Are you seriously this bad at coming up with names? Do you all own dogs named Dog? And children named Child? Spider: While his name is less than creative, Kuma is certainly one of the most skilled fighting bears ever trained. from Tekken 3 Kuma II: GRAAAARGH! Iorek Byrnisen Spider: Iorek Byrnison was born the rightful heir to the kingdom of Svalbard, an icy land ruled by sentient polar-bears. Pixie: Short of ruling a kingdom of dragons or magical cat-girls, that’s probably the most awesome position of monarchy possible, but Iorek’s path to kingship wasn’t as smooth as expected. Iorek ended up fighting another bear in a dominance ritual for right to a mate, but Iorek’s opponent had been drugged with what I can only assume was bear-cocaine, which sent him into an insane, blood-thirsty rage. Since Iorek’s opponent refused to relent, he had no choice but to kill him. Because polar bears apparently have no concept of self-defense, Iorek was banished from Svalbard for murder, and denied his throne. Spider: With Iorek gone, the throne was seized by Iofur Raknison, a devious bear who had drugged Iorek’s former opponent, setting Iorek up to be exiled. Pixie: Iofur… wait a sec, I thought the bad bear in this story was named Ragnar. Spider: Well, in the film he’s called Ragnar, probably because Iorek and Iofur sound kind of similar, but in the source material’s canon, it’s Iofur. Iorek later ended up in the city of Trollesund. In a deep depression over the loss of his home and his position as king, Iorek did what Pixie does every time her professor gives her the grade on her latest test; he went to a bar and got drunk out of his mind. Pixie: Whether you’re ailing from bad grades or having your kingship usurped, nothing takes off the sting like a mind-shattering amount of liquor. Seriously though, how much booze do you think it takes to get a polar bear drunk? Spider: I’m not sure… could do the calculations by body-mass later on, I suppose, but that’s not really relevant to this analysis. Pixie: While Iorek was smashed, some humans stole his bitchin’ sky-iron armor, which is just, so uncool. How the hell do you bring yourself to steal from the Coca Cola mascot when he’s drowning his sorrows? Spider: Thankfully, Iorek later recovered his armor with the help of a clever young girl named Lyra. With Lyra’s help, Iorek traveled back to Svalbard, slew Iofur in one-on-one combat, and took back his throne. Pixie: Iorek is absolutely everything you could hope from an armor-plated polar-bear warrior-king, and more. On the battlefield, he moves like a furry, charging tank, capable of plowing through teams of soldiers and wolf-daemons. He was even strong enough to knock Iofur’s jaw clean off with a single well-placed swipe. Spider: Considering that a polar-bear’s jaw is sturdy enough to apply a bite-force of 1200 psi, that’s no easy task. Iorek is also shockingly agile for his size. During a mock-fencing match with Lyra, Iorek was quick enough to parry every one of Lyra’s jabs. Iorek also has an uncanny ability to see through almost any deception. This ability is not limited to verbal deception, and also allows Iorek to detect when opponents are using feints. Pixie: But let’s not forget the best part, Iorek’s sky-iron armor! Spider: The sky-iron armor is heavily modeled off medieval plate-mail, which was designed to stop edged and pointed weapons like swords, spears and axes. While real world plate-mail was eventually made obsolete by muskets, it is still widely used by the bears of Svalbard, despite the fact that muskets are commonly used in their setting. It’s probable that Iorek’s sky-iron armor is much thicker than armor made for humans, which would only make sense given his proportionately greater strength. Pixie: Iorek’s not just tough, he’s smart, too. He beat out Iofur’s superior strength by cunningly feigning an injury, and after taking back the throne of Svalbard, he was embraced by his people… uh, bears? Spider: He was embraced by his bears for stripping away the trappings of Iofur’s vanity. It may have taken him a while, but Iorek fulfilled his destiny as the king of Svalbard. [Clip from The Golden Compass] Ragnar: Is that all? IS THAT ALL!? clenches his paw, then knocks off Ragnar’s jaw, killing him. Iorek: Yes. That is all. DEATH BATTLE! Spider: Alright, our combatants are set. Let’s end this debate once and for all. Pixie: It’s time for a DEATH BATTLE! * * * Kuma and Iorek stand in the middle of an arena in the icy land of Svalbard. Iorek’s bears are watching, as is Heihachi. Iorek shoots a glance at Heihachi. “The conditions have been set. As king of Svalbard, I will face your champion in one-on-one combat. If I prevail, you will return to the land of humans, forever.” Heihachi scoffs. “Please. Kuma is the most skilled bear in the world. After he kills you, your bears will answer only to me!” Iorek turns to Kuma as Kuma stands on his rear legs and takes his fighting stance. “You fight like a human,” Iorek snarls. “Let me remind you what it means to be bear!” FIGHT! ' '''Kuma rushes forward and launches a spin-kick, but Iorek blocks it with his front leg.' Kuma follows up with a one-two combo, but Iorek blocks both blows, then rakes Kuma’s ribs with his claw. Kuma groans, and Iorek swipes at his head, but Kuma ducks the blow and counters with a Demon Uppercut to the stomach, knocking the wind out of Iorek. Iorek catches a spin-kick to the shoulder, followed by two swipes to the head. With his foe dazed, Kuma grabs Iorek and goes for a Stone-head head-butt, but Iorek suddenly ducks, and Kuma accidentally slams his face against Iorek’s helmet. While Kuma grabs his snout and whine, Iorek lets out a furious roar and slams his paw against the side of Kuma’s head, knocking him flat. Kuma whirls back to his feet with a swipe, but Iorek catches the blow with his paw. Both bears press against each other like sumo wrestlers. For a few seconds, neither moves. Then Iorek stands tall and throws his weight down against Kuma, upsetting his balance. Kuma topples backwards and slams into the ground, and Iorek bites into his shoulder. Kuma strikes back, clawing Iorek across the face, then shoving him off. Kuma turns his posterior towards Iorek, attempting a Bear Fart, but Iorek bites down on Kuma’s Achilles tendon, crippling him. With a roar of pain, Kuma kicks Iorek in the face, knocking him away. Iorek backs off and circles as Kuma rises on his rear legs, limping. Iorek stands on his rear legs, snarling and lunges at Kuma’s face. Kuma raises his claws to block the attack, and Iorek suddenly drops low and swings his claw at Kuma’s injured leg, raking the muscle. Kuma howls and topples forward, and as he falls, Iorek rises and closes his jaws around Kuma’s throat. With a single shake of his jaws, Iorek rips out Kuma’s throat. Kuma’s blood pours over Iorek and floods the icy ground, and Kuma falls, dead. '''K.O! ''' '''Heihachi swears and beats his fist against the ground. Iorek spits out Kuma’s bloody neckerchief, turns to his bears and bellows a victorious roar. POST-BATTLE ANALYSIS Pixie: PETA is going to burn us at the stake for this. Spider: In terms of skill, Kuma and Iorek were roughly equal, though their fighting styles were very diverse. Kuma had more sophisticated techniques like combos, uppercuts and spin-kicks, but Iorek’s skill in reading feints and parrying let him keep up with Kuma’s offence. As a polar bear, Iorek weighed in at approximately 1,000 pounds, roughly double Kuma’s weight, not accounting for the armor. Kuma may have had an advantage in strength, given his ability to juggle foes as large as Panda, but Iorek’s massive weight advantage, coupled with his greater height, gave Iorek the advantage in wrestling. Pixie: Iorek’s armor protected him from the worst of Kuma’s blows, giving him a major advantage in defense, and while the Bear Fart might have made a difference if Kuma could have landed it, it’s not likely he could have pulled it off on someone with as much defensive skill as Iorek. Spider: The deciding factor in this fight was intelligence. While Kuma is smart for a bear, Iorek is every bit as smart as a human, and as we saw in his fight with Iofur, he is perfectly capable of using clever tactics to overcome a foe of superior strength. Kuma simply couldn’t stack up to Iorek’s tactical and defensive advantages. Pixie: This fight was barbearic! Spider: …I think that pun just gave me a brain hemorrhage. The winner is Iorek Byrnisen. Next time, on Death Battle... ???: I'll kill them all! I'll wipe every last one of them off the face of the Earth! ???: Okay, suckers--you've taken yer best shot. NOW IT'S MY TURN! Category:What-If? Death Battles Category:'Animals' themed Death Battles Category:Books vs. Video Game Themed Death Battles Category:InkSpider Category:Completed What-If? Death Battles Category:What-If? Death Battles completed in 2016